


Of blood, petals and love

by zelocityy



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blogger!Viktor, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, M/M, Skater!Phichit, Skater!Yurio, Skater!Yuuri, Yuuri as unreliable narrator, Yuuri is stubborn af idk, hanahaki!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11489817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zelocityy/pseuds/zelocityy
Summary: Just when I was about to make the jump, a painful pang ran through my chest, and I was unable to breathe so suddenly.What—?In a split-second, various thoughts came through my mind, but one particular thought stood out from the rest: this was not a panic attack.The pain was intense, nothing like my anxiety-induced attacks before.I crashed on the ice, coughing and heaving for air. Phichit gasped, "Yuuri!"That seemed to garner needed attention as Celestino ran from his office, and in a minute, he was holding me up with a frantic Phichit, "Yuuri! Can you hear me? What's wrong?!"Unable to reply, I just coughed and huffed out air. Something was restricting my throat. There was something there that I didn't feel before—It felt like my lungs were drowning. I was like a fish out of water; my lungs starved for oxygen but it couldn't keep up because there was something terribly wrong.The lack of sufficient oxygen lulled me to a hazy state, my conciousness failing me. The only thing I could remember was Phichit's frantic voice and Celestino's words to the telephone operator."...he collapsed after attempting a jump, coughing out bloodied red petals."





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm back with a new au YAY  
> this time it's going to be real challenging for me, gah  
> but it's definitely worth a shot!!
> 
> so i hope yall like it!

 

You know that moment when your life literally flashes through your eyes?

I do.

This sensation.. felt somewhat familiar.

Eyes widening, I realized. _This was—_

My first walk, first talk...

First school day, first friend, first fight, first cry...

First love.

It all passed me by in a big blur.

I tried reaching forward, to a hazy memory of a happy me, aged 10, playing catch with an energetic ball of fluff.

 _Vicchan_. A pang of pain and grief ran through my chest.

As I skimmed through every memory flashing before my eyes, the feeling on my chest only lightened and soon, I was enveloped in a calming acceptance.

I surrendered myself to the reality: _I was going to die._

Laying in my hospital bed, physically and mentally absent, I couldn't say that I wasn't happy with how my life went.

I had great friends, a great family — literally nothing could make me complain about the life I've lived.

It's just that...

Just that I didn't get to tell him my feelings.

That familiar ache rose in my chest yet again as his beaming, heart-shaped smile and crinkled eyes came into view. The silver locks that I would never get the chance to caress, the pale yet strong hands that I would never get to hold, the broad body that I would never get to embrace, the rosy cheeks that I would never get to stroke— the lips that I would never get to kiss..

It was just too late.

A tear welled up as I watched another memory— of him and me, this time— our very first meeting.

Time sure flies when you're having fun, huh?

It was just months ago, two to be exact, that I was free.

I roamed the busy streets outside, humming to a tune I never even knew, kicking miniscule pebbles on the sidewalk.

I have never went out for coffee as much as I did this past two months.

I smiled wryly as I looked on the scene in front of me, memories still fresh in my mind like the vivid colors of the leaves that day as they fell from its branches.

In the distance, I could hear a voice resonating through the depths of my thoughts.

' _Yuuri_ ' it called in an anguished tone. I wonder why?

_Why cry for someone like me?_

_I don't deserve you, whoever you are._

_I'm sorry._

A tear streamed down my cheek and a near non-existent pain surrounded my heart in its tight grip as the scenic view of memories replaying, before my eyes, faded into darkness.

_Thank you._

With eyes closed, I welcomed death's embrace and the darkness consumed my being.

_Thank you, Viktor._

 

  
A shrill sound rang through the room as I roused from my sleepy daze.

Glancing at the alarm, I read the time.

_5:00 AM._

Seriously, it's way too early for anything!

Groaning, my outstretched hand reached for the offending alarm, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up."

Slamming my hand on the alarm, I got up and yawned.

Yet another dull day.

Until I saw the notification on my phone.

_Is that—?_

_v-nikiforov posted a new blog!_

Scrambling over to grab my laptop, I plopped down on my bed and pulled up Viktor Nikiforov's blog.

It was a blog of his travel to Switzerland this time.

Oh yeah, he visited his bff Chris over the summer.

Laughing at a particular bit of his narrative about Chris fighting with a woman for a particularly nice scarf at a sale, I prepared my things.

(Yuuri could literally hear Phichit saying, "God, those two are so gay! Yuuri, I must not get beaten by those— _those_ _amateurs_!")

Smiling at the words dripping of excitement, I sighed and closed the laptop to go and get dressed.

Time to start training.

 

  
"Yuuri!"

I was met with a smother and a beaming face, "Phichit."

Phichit steps back and pouts, "Aren't you happy to see your bestest, most _awesome_ friend in the whole, entire world?"

I only laughed in reply and nodded, "Sure, okay."

Scoffing, Phichit turned away from me then muttered, "Rude."

"Phichit! Yuuri! You're not warming up!"

We both stand at attention, "Yes coach!"

Panting, I got back to my lunges with Phichit sliding over to my side with a grin, "So...?"

"What?"

"What's with the good mood?" Phichit asked, wriggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

I sighed and gave him a wary smile, "Nothing."

"Yeah right!" He laughed, pointing at me, "Viktor's posted a new blog, didn't he?"

Blushing, I sputtered out weak responses, " _Psh_ — no way!"

Phichit whipped out his phone, grinning mischievously, "Way ahead of ya, buddy!"

I looked up in search of Celestino ("It's Ciao-Ciao!" Phichit retorted), and let out a breath of relief when he was all the way inside his office.

Time for revenge.

I let out a warrior's scream, tackling Phichit to the ground, taking him by surprise and giving me the upperhand.

"Yuuri! What the hell!"

"Stop it, Phichit! Seriously!"

"Hey! Did you just pull on my hair?!"

"You hit me in the eyeball!"

"The hell! It was an accident!"

"Well, sorry!"

"I'm sorry too!"

We both stopped flailing around and laughed, only stopping when Phichit actually hit his head on the floor. Gasping, I helped him up and worriedly asked if he was okay, to which he replied with his loud laughter, "Duh! I'm literally hardheaded, Yuuri."

Right.

"Oh! No wonder you smiled so bright this early in the morning!"

Phichit grinned and hovered his phone in front of my face, showing me a picture of Viktor and Chris in their swimsuits, lounging around by the poolside, attempting classy poses, "Just look at the comments on these! 'Damn, dat ass doe!' Haha!"

I only sighed, smacking Phichit on the arm, "Just get back to your training, god!"

"Yuuri," Phichit started, grinning, "You're such a dork."

I replied mischievously, "But I'm your dork?"

Laughing, Phichit pulled me in for a hug, "True!"

After a bit more of stretching, I deemed it enough to prepare me for my time on the ice. Tying up my skates, I placed the skate guards over the blades and walked on over to the rink's entrance.

The ice looked as smooth as it feels. Taking a few steps forward, I glided in ease over to the center before making my usual circles around the rink. Warming up was highly important, Celestino says, and I think so as well.

Phichit thinks it's a bother, though. He can get pretty impatient.

(Yeah, that's the biggest understatement of the century. The Thai screamed at a man who held up the line at a grocery store for forgetting to grab a tube of toothpaste after bringing over a grocery cart that's been fulled to the brim with his crap. "But, Yuuri! Everything in his cart's been punched in and then he remembers? He _had_ to be messing with us!")

Making circles around the rink not only prepared my body for the rigourous training to come, but also decluttered my already cluttered mind. It was a relaxation tactic, one can say.

Wind whipped through my air as I glided faster and faster, everything around me a pleasant blur.

God, this is what I live for, but _damn_ , I'm just not feeling up for some training today.

Just thinking of the sore limbs I'd have by the time training's over brings shudders down my spine.

"Yuuri!"

Coming to a stop, I glanced over to Phichit who was holding up his phone.

I gave him a questioning glance, "Do a quad toe loop! Please? Let me record it too! I won't post it — just for educational purposes! I want to land one soon!"

Phichit beamed hopefully as I carefully analyzed the situation. I know Phichit's not stupid enough to attempt practing jumps without Celestino or someone supervising him, though Phichit was stupid enough to think that he can do a backflip on ice without properly landing one on land, but I can give him the benefit of the doubt.

He wants a quad in his roster for this year.

My friend needs help, who am I to refuse?

(Wow, Yuuri. And maybe someday, you'd regret this when Celestino's scolding you and Phichit's landed himself in the hospital with a sprained ankle or whatever stupid injury he'd get for a stupid move.)

And despite all my thoughts...

I smiled and nodded, "Sure. Hang on."

I made two more laps around the rink, as a last warm-up.

Counting down to five, I prepared for the quad.

Just when I was about to make the jump, a painful pang ran through my chest, and I was unable to breathe so suddenly.

_What—?_

In a split-second, various thoughts came through my mind, but one particular thought stood out from the rest: this was not a panic attack.

The pain was intense, nothing like my anxiety-induced attacks before.

I crashed on the ice, coughing and heaving for air. Phichit gasped, "Yuuri!"

That seemed to garner needed attention as Celestino ran from his office, and in a minute, he was holding me up with a frantic Phichit, "Yuuri! Can you hear me? What's wrong?!"

Unable to reply, I just coughed and huffed out air. Something was restricting my throat. There was something there that I didn't feel before—

No. I felt this at least three times before today. But, it wasn't this painful! It went away in a couple of minutes!

It felt like my lungs were drowning. I was like a fish out of water; my lungs starved for oxygen but it couldn't keep up because there was something terribly wrong.

Celestino and Phichit held me up from the waist up and sat me up on the nearest bench.

Celestino called for an ambulance as Phichit tried to guide me with breathing exercises.

Even if I followed along, it felt pointless. There was no way I was going to be able to breathe like this.

The lack of sufficient oxygen led me to a hazy state, my conciousness failing me. The only thing I could remember was Phichit's frantic voice and Celestino's words to the telephone operator.

_"...he collapsed after attempting a jump, coughing out bloodied red petals."_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more angst yay

Waking up to a solid white room could not be good for my eyes.

Groaning, I rubbed my crusted eyes and felt around the area for my blue-rimmed glasses. Putting the pair on, I could see more clearly and I sighed in relief.

I was okay.

What was that pain even about? I clutched the front of my chest and furrowed my eyebrows in thought.

I tried to get a grasp on my previous situation: the last thing I saw was the blood splattered on the ice and... _red petals?_

Shaking my head, I chuckled and muttered to myself, "That must've been just huge splatters of blood, not petals," I frowned, "Wait, but that doesn't make it better, now does it?"

But then, I could remember briefly Celestino's words. He said something about petals too, so I couldn't be wrong.

My musing was cut off by the opening of the door and a familiar face, "Phichit."

Phichit glanced at me, tears welling up his eyes, "Yuuri!"

He ran and hugged me tight, sniffling, "Oh god, I was so worried!"

I sighed and wrapped my arms around him, "I'm really sorry, Phichit.."

Phichit sniffled and shook his head, "It's okay! At least you're awake now!"

"How long was I out anyway?"

"Since yesterday morning.. It's 3 PM right now."

I gaped, "That long?!"

Phichit gave me a knowing look, "Yep."

"Damn, no wonder I feel more energized than usual!" I laughed as Phichit looked away from me, uneasy.

"Yuuri, I'll just call for the doctors and nurses, okay? And Ciao-Ciao?"

I nodded and smiled, "Oh, sure! Thanks, Phichit."

He gave me a forced smile and went off.

Huh. That was weird.

In the meantime, I grabbed my phone from the table beside my bed and loaded up Viktor's blog.

_He's posted a new one!_

Smiling, I laughed at his commentary. _Viktor.._

 

_This time, I've learnt that everyone needs to just take a chill pill and just relax._

_Worrying and stressing over your problems will do you no good and will only complicate things further! So don't force yourself when you're not particularly up to it, and try to take a break from it all— read a book, go for a walk— anything could work!_

 

I smiled, "How fitting for me right now!"

The door opened and Celestino, along with Phichit and the doctor came in.

I cleared my throat and closed my phone, sitting up on my bed properly.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Katsuki, it's good to see you awake! I'm your doctor, Dr. Tanaka."

I nodded and gave a soft smile, "Thank you for taking care of me, Doctor."

She gave a wry smile and opened her clipboard, "Just doing my job, Mr. Katsuki — you're welcome. Now, I'm here to talk about your condition."

I frowned, "What do you mean, Dr. Tanaka? I'm already fine, right?" Flexing an arm, I only grew confused, "I feel fine. Nothing seems to be wrong with me. Or.. is there?"

Frowning, she sat on the nearest chair and crossed her legs, "Mr. Katsuki, there is no easy way to say this—"

"Tell me, Doctor. What's wrong?" I asked determinedly.

A moment of silence followed and Dr. Tanaka only fixed me with a reluctant look.

Deeming that I would not change my mind about waiting for a gentle let-down, she shook her head and replied with a soft look, "You're diagnosed with the Hanahaki disease, Mr. Katsuki."

_**I am... what?** _

Phichit just looked down and worried his lip, tears welling up. Celestino looked serious, arms around his chest, but despite his calm disposition, he looked visibly shaken by the whole thing.

My eyes widened and all train of thought stopped, along with my heart. _What? That infamous disease? Me?_

Dazed in disbelief, the only thought I could process was the one person I loved. _The cause of this all..._

"Wh-what?"

She looked at me sadly, "I'm afraid the only proper way to cure this is to actually tell the person you love how you feel..."

I shook my head and tried to protest, "No, I can't! I absolutely cannot!"

_Viktor was... He would never feel the same about me!_

_Hell, he doesn't even know I **exist**!_

I was just an anxious, uninspired, dime-a-dozen figure skater who looked close to common with average looks and a dull personality.

Pulling my legs in to my chest, I clenched my eyes closed tightly.

Nobody even bothered to get to know me.

Just a face in the crowds, easily forgotten— not one to be remembered.

Just one of his fans— admiring him for afar— through the vast world of the internet.

Dr. Tanaka gave me a hard stare, "There is another way."

"What is it?" I asked, anxious all of a sudden. Oh god, who wouldn't be anxious in a situation like _this_?!

She sighed, her lips in a firm line, "Surgery. We will surgically remove the flowers from your lungs."

My throat ran dry, "You can?"

With a warning look directed at me, she added, "But any memory about that person will be forgotten. Removed from existence. It's like a clean slate."

I knew at that instant that it wasn't possible.

My heart pangs painfully at that and I felt my eyes tear up, "No. I couldn't do that," I croaked out.

"But Yuuri—" Phichit started and Celestino only held him back with a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. Phichit could only bite on his lip in worry.

"I see," Dr. Tanaka sighed, "You're at Stage 4 already, so I suggest telling the person you... have an interest in, your feelings, or get the surgery before it gets worse."

"You have less than a year, Mr. Katsuki. Please think about this wisely."

The door closed as Dr. Tanaka leaves the room. The air inside was tense. I had to leave.

_I can't breathe!_

Coughing, I lifted up a hand to cover my mouth as Phichit scampered over to offer tissues. He had a hand rubbing my back as he soothed me with words, comforting me with all his might.

Celestino just stood back, eyes refraining from straying over to the scene of ours on the bed, with me coughing and Phichit panicking.

"Oh god, Yuuri..."

Red, bloodied petals greeted my eyes as I felt hot tears pour down my face and Phichit just hugged me, tracing soothing circles over my back.

"We have to tell your family about this."

I snapped up to look at Celestino, my trembling form still in Phichit's embrace. "N-No!" Celestino looked back at me incredulously, "Yuuri, we can't just—"

I croaked out a weak, " _Please_ ," and Celestino's shoulders slumped, "Yuuri, I can't promise I won't tell, but I can promise I won't tell right _now_ ," I gave a weak nod in response, Phichit still rubbing my back in soothing circles.

They wouldn't understand how I feel.

Viktor was my rock. The refuge I had when times were rough.

He was familiar— he was _home_.

I was young and foolish; anxious and insecure. I needed reassurance, but I never opened up to Minako-sensei. I needed support, but I didn't have the courage to talk my family.

~~_(And here I thought that my name would give me enough courage to actually try and talk to them.)_ ~~

Those times, I just became a coward and hid my problems to myself.

I thought I could handle it, and I really could.

At first.

Until one thing led to another, and I just couldn't hold myself up anymore.

I broke down.

I stopped training. All day, I was cooped up in my room, not even bothering to eat. I just burned holes through the ceiling with my stares.

Wholly depressed and not in slightest bit motivated, I thought I would never recover.

I lost my muse, entering a slump. It rendered me hopeless and it brought my body to its fatigued state.

Until I saw his blog.

 

_You're not alone._

_You're never alone. Always think of what you have, and never take it for granted. You may not be having the time of your life today, but there's always a possibility of that changing tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that._

_Just don't give up and give in— because when you give in is when you lose to your insecurities. Fight through it, and you'll emerge victorious! Don't give up!_

_I'll stay by you._

I still remember that very moment like it was just yesterday. Everything's so vivid that I couldn't help but be amazed that it's been two years since then.

Before I knew it, those words hit me. It ran deep in my very bones.

I felt sincerity and warmth in Viktor's words— even though they weren't exactly directed to me— but knowing someone would write something so sincere for someone he doesn't even know left me amazed.

His words burned through my heart and soul and left a mark that would forever hold me true to my passion.

I never was a fan of losing.

I knew now that I held the man in a higher regard than what I initially thought it would be.

_I love him._

And Viktor was the only one I've loved like this.

_The only one I've wanted to hold on to._

I almost laughed in irony— I loved him so much that it would literally kill me.

I've resolved to tell my family myself as I weakly held onto Phichit as he hugged my trembling form.

 _Someday_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's all have some fluff for a change?

A few days and I was out and about again.

Despite my condition being at Stage 4, Dr. Tanaka allowed me to leave the hospital. Compared to the other patients diagnosed with the same condition, I was faring well, she said.

' _A fighter_ ' she called me, with a fond smile.

I rarely cough out blood and petals now. I don't know if that's a good sign or not, but I'm going to take it as it is.

_Anything_ for me to live a normal life again.

The days spent cooped up in that room gave me time to think it all through and I've resolved to go through with my first decision. I know how stubborn I am, and I know that I won't be able to do something like that, anyway. I still haven't told my family yet.

Frowning, I buried my hands deep in my coat's pockets and stared straight ahead.

They wouldn't let me go through with my decision if they knew. I know it wasn't fair to keep them in the dark like this, but I am planning to tell them.

_Just not right now._

The sun's out, a light breeze rustles through the leaves and several fall on me. Heaving in a deep breath, I exhaled it out and smiled softly.

_This_ was living.

This is what I've been missing for the past few days, locked up in that incredibly dull room.

It never did well for my anxiety, places like those.

I walked along the silent sidewalk, completely absorbed in my own thoughts. Kicking a small pebble, it got caught up in a small sign.

Oh, a coffee shop.

The quaint shop looked straight out of Paris. A piece of solitude in an otherwise bustling city like this.

Glancing inside, I could glimpse a bit of its furniture.

Antique, wooden chairs and tables were littered around the shop and colorful flowers in vases decorated the area, with large picture frames of black and white pictures of various subjects. It was homey and comfortable.

Just what I liked in a coffee shop.

Since the weather was cold and I was literally freezing outside, I deemed a hot chocolate would get me by for the walk back home.

Opening the door, the doorbell chimes and the girl behind the counter smiled and welcomed me in, "Good afternoon, welcome to The _Corone_ — what may I serve you today?"

I smiled and waved, "Good afternoon, can I have a cup of hot chocolate?"

The dark-haired woman smiled and nodded, punching in my order, "One steaming cup of hot chocolate, coming right up, sir!"

Then, she went off with my order.

I was about to go off to find a table, only to stumble back in surprise to suddenly be face to face with someone's chest.

Someone's _broad, strong-looking chest_.

_Man, those pecs... Oh god, control the inner gayness, Yuuri!_

I squeaked in surprise and Mr.-Broad-Chest clutched my arm in time, and saved me the trouble of falling to my ass, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"

Without looking up at him, I bowed in apology and worriedly bit on my lip.

He only chuckled, my cheeks turned red.

_Why does he sound so good laughing like that, oh god help._ "It's okay, really! No need to bow!"

I took that as my cue to look up, only to be left gobsmacked. _What the hell?_ Silver locks and ocean blue eyes greeted my vision.

Beaming, he winked, "Wow, never thought I'd get the chance to meet such a cutie today!"

Flustered, I stuttered out unintelligible replies as he chuckled and smiled, "Can I come and sit with you?"

Unable to form a comprehensible answer, I just nodded dumbly and squeaked out an offer to find us a table. He cheerfully agreed and I was off to find us a solitary place.

I did _not_ expect to find **_Viktor Nikiforov_** in a _coffee shop_ in _Detroit_ , of all places.

He's in Detroit.

He is in a coffee shop— where I _am_.

He's going to share a table with me.

_Oh god. Help my heart._

Finding an acceptable place, I sat and propped an elbow on the table and leaned against my hand, glancing out the window beside me. This was peaceful and calming.

Not only did I get to relax, but I also got to meet the man of my dreams.

Blushing, I lightly slapped my cheeks to stop them from turning redder. I only managed to achieve the opposite.

( _I am so smart, god_.)

A girl approached my table and smiled, placing down my order, "A steaming hot cup of chocolate for you, sir!"

I smiled kindly in response and nodded, "Thank you. You shouldn't have given it to me; I could've come up for it to the counter instead."

She pouted, "No worries, sir! Business is slow this time of the day, and I have nothing to do! Sara's doing all the cashier work and I make all of the orders," she pointed over the shop, "And as you can see, we literally don't have any other customers to serve than you and Mr. _Hunk_ over there."

I almost laughed at how similar I am with this girl, "What's your name?"

She smiled, "Oh, my name's Mila! Nice to meet you!"

I took her outstretched hand and shook it, smiling in return, "Yuuri. Nice to meet you too!"

"Well, I better get back to work," she giggled, "Sara's hopeless with working the machines!"

"Sure thing!" I raised an arm in a wave as she rushed off to the kitchen.

I took my cup and blew on it slightly to cool it off, glancing outside the windows again. I quite enjoyed the solace and the ambiance this shop brings. I've never had times to myself like this often, with training taking most of my time. This was a good change of pace.

"Hi."

I let out a small squeak as I come face to face with the very attractive face of **_Viktor Nikiforov_**.

He sat across me, chuckling and nursing his own cup of his chosen drink, "Are you okay?"

I waved him off, blushing, "Yes, I am. Sorry for getting so startled easily, it's like a habit..."

( ~~ _A habit I only seem to have when you're around._~~ )

Viktor shook his head and smiled softly, "It's fine. I find it rather endearing."

_God, why can't I reply properly like a normal human being?_ I just nodded and sipped on my cup as he did as well.

Comfortable silence soon followed as we both glanced out the window, the autumnal view enveloping us in a sense of calmness.

Breaking the silence, he asked, "Doesn't it give you a sense of calmness to watch autumn leaves fall?"

I nodded and smiled softly, giving a reply of my own, "Yes, especially when I see children jumping in pile of leaves."

Viktor gasped, blue eyes twinkling, "I used to do that when I was a kid!"

I laughed and brought my cup to my lips, a ghost of a smile coming over my features, "I do too."

At that, he stared at me with a slightly gaping expression. I should've felt awkward, but strangely, sitting here with Viktor, having this conversation, it all felt _natural_.

_Like I was meant to be here._

He cleared his throat and looked away slightly, with a slight twinge of red on his cheeks, "I.. um, _sorry_."

I could only stare in confusion and reply with an ' _it's okay_ ,' because really, I didn't know what happened and if it was really that bad.

We fell into comfortable conversation after that. We talked about various topics, and it was improbable that the topic of who he was wouldn't come up.

"I'm actually a blogger," Viktor explained, "I travel a lot and with every country I go to, I try to learn as much from their culture and make blogs about them!"

I blushed and looked down at my cup, "I know."

He hummed questioningly as I cleared my throat, "I'm actually a fan..."

His eyes widened and his heart-shaped smile came into view, "Really? Oh, that's just so cute, Yuuri! Thank you for your support, then!"

He tried reaching over the table for a hug, but decided that it was nearly impossible, so he gave up and just pouted, "Stupid table."

I laughed and just patted the available seat next to me, "You can sit here and hug me instead?"

He beamed at that, "You spoil me so, Yuuri!"

Needless to say, our first meeting went so well that Viktor _nearly_ followed me home (like a lost puppy) that day just to spend more time with me.

He was _incredibly_ clingy; I'm not even joking. And I was not aware of that fact beforehand.

( ~~ _Nobody mentioned about the Russian being as clingy as a four-year-old child is to his mother!_~~ )

Walking on the sidewalk with the man, I couldn't help but smile as he blabbered on and on about his adventures.

Getting to spend my last days with the object of my affections as I'm slowly dying was a privilege I've shared with no one.

And God has given me that privilege.

Frankly speaking, I don't know if this was a _blessing_ or a _curse_.

God must be really cruel to do this to me, but I'm grateful, nonetheless.

He was with me, and I couldn't ask for more.

I wasn't thinking of the effect this would have in the long-run.

And I soon regretted that.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a day like no other.

Peaceful and serene, calm and relaxing, the atmosphere around the shop.

It was just me, Viktor and a cup of tea.

Smiling, I nodded as he regaled me with his stories of traveling and of the diversity of the cultures he had experienced.

"Oh, Yuuri, you would have loved Korea! It was cold, yes, but it was just right! Nothing like Russia, where it's cold literally every day!" He moaned, "It was amazing!"

I chuckled, "I'm sure it was."

Silence followed soon after that, ans Viktor folded his hands and leaned his elbows on the table, "What about you?"

"Hmm?"

"Any stories to tell?" Viktor asked, eyes curiously bright.

Smiling sadly, I just shook my head, "Nothing. Life isn't as interesting as yours, after all.."

( ~~ _As far as I know, it's coming to an end soon_ , I thought bitterly.~~)

Viktor frowned, "I'd like to know more about you, zolotse."

I only gave him a soft smile in return, "I'd like that for you too."

His frown only deepened in confusion, "What do you mean, Yuuri?"

Laughing, I waved him off, "Oh, nothing!"

His eyes didn't stray from me after that. To be honest, I kind of liked the attention. I wanted him to only look at me, and only me.

Thinking of him in the arms of another...

I took a sip of my tea and sighed, a sad smile etched on my lips. _It pains me so_ , I mused, _but I know that I'd have to let him go._

I didn't notice the shaking of my hands as I placed my cup back on the table, but Viktor did.

Eyes alarmed, he looked up at me, "Yuuri, are you alright?"

My lungs were tightening again.

_Oh God, please no. Don't do this in front of Viktor, please._

I shut my eyes in desperation, trying to keep my coughing in. _Not here, **please**._

I doubled over on my chair and started panting heavily, puffing out erratic breaths. Viktor was by my side in a heartbeat, "Yuuri? Yuuri! _Breathe_!"

I couldn't breathe. Gasping like this wouldn't help and soon, I was coughing hard and uncontrollably.

I could vaguely hear Viktor yelling out for Mila and Sara, telling them to call an ambulance.

Viktor's arm wrapped around me and he tried soothing me, but I was far from recovery. I could feel his worry in waves.

"I'm.. fine..." I called out weakly between coughs, muffled by my hand over my mouth, "It's _fine_... Viktor..."

Viktor only shushed me and caressed my hair as I coughed and coughed into my hand.

I felt something splatter all over my hand. My heart beat picked up. _No.._

I removed my hand from over my mouth and blood, _lots_ of it, along with red petals came to view.

I heard a sharp gasp coming from Viktor. My eyes welled up with tears, "Yuuri..."

That was the first time I was glad I had coughing fits.

It meant I didn't have to answer him.

After a particularly hard cough, I started to feel faint and weak. Viktor held onto me, "Yuuri! Yuuri, answer me!"

I closed my eyes as drowsiness started to seep into my body.

The last thing I remembered was the warmth of his hold and the safety it provided.

 

" _Yuuri_..."

" _Yuuri_...."

What? Who is that?

A voice trembling in worry that resonated through my conciousness blanketed in darkness. A _very_ familiar voice.

Before I could think deeply about it, the incoming rays of light enveloped me.

Opening my eyes proved to be a challenge.

Because everything was so freaking bright!

Clenching my eyes shut and groaning, I shielded my eyes from the light.

I could faintly smell the fresh flowers by my bedside, and the slight breeze from the slightly ajar window.

_I'm sure I landed myself in the hospital again. Great._

_I really can't do anything right.._

_**True. If you did, you wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place.** _

"Yuuri!"

Turning over and opening my eyes to the familiar voice, I could only say, "Mom..."

"Yuuri!" Next thing I knew, I was engulfed in a tight hug, my Mom's trembling form pressed against me protectively.

I started tearing up as I returned her hug, " _Mom_..."

"Why are you here? How long have I been out? Where's Dad? Mari?"

Shushing me, she leaned back from the hug and with teary eyes, asked, "Why did you not tell us, honey? _Why_?"

I could only avoid her gaze and mumble softly, "Because I've already decided anyway... And nothing can make me change my mind, Mom. I'm sorry."

_Nothing, not even some surgery, could make me forget him, anyway. It's not that easy._

Mom's eyes only widened and she gasped, "Yuuri, no..." She wound her arms around me and sobbed, "What are you saying? You need to do something about it, _please honey_!"

"Do it for me, your family, at least! _Yuuri_!"

I shook my head as tears gathered in my eyes. _I can't, Mom. I'm sorry.._

The door slid open and more people came in. _Dad and Mari._

" _Yuuri_!"

They both rushed forward, "Yuuri! Are you okay, son?" Dad asked, worriedly clutching my hand as Mari stared at me as worried as our parents.

I nodded and gave them a weak smile, "I'm okay, Dad. I will be."

Mom's small smile faltered, "Yuuri, please take the surgery. I'm sure that—"

" _No_."

Mari's eyebrows furrowed as she crossed her arms over her chest, "Yuuri, this is not a joke. You'll die if you won't—"

"I've already decided," I said, voice raised and teeth gritted, "I won't change my mind."

" _Yuuri_!"

" _I won't do the surgery! I won't confess!_ "

A resounding slap rang through the room as a red imprint on my left cheek appeared. Gasping, Mom scrambled over, "Mari! _Stop_!"

" _ **You're being fucking unreasonable, Yuuri! This isn't some fucking Shakespeare play like Romeo and Juliet! This is real life!**_ "

Frowning, I stared her down, "I am, but this is what I want— you can't take that away from me."

Mari scoffed and glared, "What about us then, huh? What about the people who love you?"

I turned silent at that, looked down and wrung my hands together.

"Figures. You've always been selfish, Yuuri. I guess you never change."

" _Mari_!" Mom started, pulling Mari back, "Yuuri will think about his decision. He will, don't worry."

"If it weren't for Viktor, we would've never found out... _You could've died and we wouldn't have known, you selfish brat!_ "

Clenching my eyes shut, I fought the tears threatening to pour over. Dad held my racking body over to his side, extending comfort, "Mari, _please_."

Mari let out an exasperated sigh and a frustrated laugh, "We don't even know the fucking guy! Is it Phichit? That guy you like in chemistry class back in high school? Or," Mari held up her hand in a surrendering manner, "I don't know, _Viktor_? Who? Tell me."

"No," I gritted my teeth.

" _Yuuri_!"

"I don't want to!" I cried out, Mari looking agitated as she sounds, " _I don't want to..._ "

The next thing I heard were quick and heavy footsteps, followed by the loud slamming of the door, "Mari!"

"Yuuri, son," Dad started, with an arm over my shoulder and his gentle tone, " _Please_. Think of it further."

"Your sister, she only said what she did because she—"

" _Cares_ , I know, Mom."

Mom walked over, taking my other side, and nuzzled my head, tears springing out of her eyes, "Yuu-chan, we just don't want to lose you," she said with a trembling voice.

"I was scared, Mom. I didn't want to burden you with my problems. _I didn't tell because I know how much of a trouble I'm being and—_ "

"Shh, I know you were. I know. You are our _son_ , Yuu-chan, you will never be a bother or a burden. Just talk to us."

Conforted by the warmth emitted by both parents on my side, I cried and cried until I fell tired.

And that afternoon, sitting by my bedside window, contemplating, I realized a few things.

Despite how I can be such a burden, my family loved me for who I am. I've always thought of myself as, well, a _pushover_ , some dead weight they had to carry, but _no_. They never thought that. Mom was nothing less than understanding. Dad was nothing but supportive. And Mari? She was harsh, stubborn and often liked teasing me, but I know she cares for me a lot. She wouldn't have said all those things if she didn't care.

_She cared, and she always will._

But, I've also realized how alike we are.

For even after all that...

I never changed my mind.

_Viktor..._

_Mom, Dad, Mari— **I'm sorry.**_


	5. Chapter 5

The leaves danced, flitting through the winds, carrying them far, far away.

Vaguely, I could picture myself flying on ice. I could feel the cold air and my hair whipping through my face as I propelled my body forward with my skate-clad feet.

I could picture Phichit and Celestino on the sidelines, faces in awe and the audience rising to their feet as I execute my last quad: _a Quad Flip._

A nostalgic feeling pangs through my whole being, enveloping me in a mellow mood. Is this how it feel to be near death? Is this how it's going to be starting from now and until I finally die?

A voice from the depths of my mind called out to disagree, a whisper of encouragement.

_**If you do something, you don't have to feel this way anymore.** _

_**Have courage and do something!** _

_No._

_You don't understand._

_I can't. I just can't._

**_Are you just going to let yourself die like this?_ **

**_Why?_ **

**_What are you so afraid of?_ **

"Why?"

That sudden question awoke me from my temporary state of blur.

I glanced from the open window to to the man by my bedside, "Why won't you do something?"

"There isn't a point."

"What do you mean?" Frowning, Viktor placed a bowl of fruit on his bedside table.

"If I confess, he probably won't feel the same, anyway," I let out a self-deprecating laugh, "Yuuri!"

"And if I get surgery..." I started, staring out the window wistfully, "I'd forget all about him."

"I don't want that," I said, staring Viktor dead in the eye.

"Yuuri..."

Smiling bitterly, I only laughed, "Isn't it awfully romantic to die for love?"

_Romantic and tragic._

Sighing, Viktor reached out and held my hand, a smile on his face, "There's so much to see out there, Yuuri. You can't die yet."

Viktor gently held my hand as he recalled all his experiences traveling around the world. He spoke of the brutal winters of his home country, Russia, and the warm beaches of Hawaii. He spoke of the beautiful churches of Rome and the romantic sceneries of Paris. He went on and on about the iconic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy and the _Sagrada Familia_ Church in Barcelona, where he said he'd like to go to again someday.

He rubbed the pad of his thumb over the back of my hand, "I want to get married there someday," he said wistfully, "At Sagrada Familia.."

He did all this holding my hand, a smile ever present on his face and a lilting tone in his voice.

It was more than what I deserved, I knew.

And I felt ashamed of how happy I was.

 

"How long has it been since we met, Yuuri?"

Closing my book shut, I laid a hand over it and chuckled, "Three months."

Phichit hummed, scrolling through his phone, sprawled over the comfy couch brought by Yuuri's dad as Viktor beamed, "And I haven't missed a day to visit! Not even once!"

"Because you're thirsty," Chris mumbled to him teasingly and Viktor jabbed him on the chest, Chris huffing out a pained yelp. "I'm not thirsty," Viktor mumbled back, "I'm just...parched."

Phichit snorted.

I only shook my head. I've gotten used to how these two are— not like I _get_ what they argue about most of the time. The opposite would've been harder to imagine, especially when Chris is awfully friendly and is literally attached to Viktor's hip since he got here two months back.

"How's skating, P?"

Phichit glanced at me, "Ciao-Ciao's been tormenting me!" I laughed as Phichit raged, pouting.

"Well, it's certainly not the same without you..."

Akward silence swept through the room.

Viktor and Chris shifted uncomfortably as Phichit stared at me, "Yuuri, have the surgery. Please. We still have time—"

I turned away from Phichit.

"No."

Phichit's eyebrows furrowed, lips drawn into a worried line, "Yuuri, please! _I just want my best friend back with me—_ "

"You know I can't."

"But, _Yuuri—_ "

" _Phichit_."

"We always have a lot of fun together, don't we?" Phichit said, clutching my arm, "We could always have fun! Just take the surgery, or confess, and—"

"I'm sorry, Phichit," I started, glancing back at my desperately worried best friend, "But can you please leave?"

His eyes widened in shock, "Yuuri, I _can't—_ "

"Please."

Phichit's eyes welled up and he stared at me with hurt in his eyes.

I turned away.

Slight sniffling and hurried footsteps reached my ears.

The door closed with a silent thud, leaving Viktor and Chris in an awkward position.

I almost felt guilty, but I knew what I wanted.

I just... couldn't let it go.

I sighed, rubbing over my face in frustration, "I'm sorry you guys had to see that."

Chris shook his head, an understanding glint in his eyes, "Nah, it's okay. I think you need some time alone, so we better leave.."

Chris stood up and gave a nod to Viktor, who looked reluctant and hesitated at first, but stood up anyway.

Chris got out first, "See you again, Yuuri," I smiled and nodded, "Thanks for visiting, Chris."

He gave me one last wink and a wave before getting out.

Viktor sighed and turned to me, "Yuuri, I'll—"

Before I could stop the words from coming out, I blurted out, "Stay."

His eyes widened in surprise, then softened in an instant, "Of course, Yuuri."

I could be selfish again, right?

Just one last time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this will be angsty enough for y'all! <3

Being alone was no less comforting than what I made it to be.

As soon as Viktor left to grab us both a bite, my mind whirred with varying thoughts. Being left to my own devices never really did a trick to distract me. Especially on a day like this.

_Were my decisions right? Wrong? Will I ever skate again before I die? Do I have to be in bed like this all the time until I pass on?_

_If I'm not dying like this, what could my life be like in the future?_

I knew that was wishful thinking, but it brought a smile to my face. Nevermind it being a bitter one.

It was a smile, nonetheless.

_Would I win gold in Worlds? Grand Prix Final? Would I get to marry? Have kids?_

I laughed miserably and clutched the white sheets. _No way would I marry someone other than Viktor._

He's _ruined_ me— heart and soul.

No one would **_ever_** be enough.

 _No one_ would be able to make me smile as widest as he can. _No one_ could make me laugh as much as he does. _No one_ can make my heart throb in pain, and remedy that by a simple smile.

_Not even the sweetest dream could replace him._

Tears pouring down my cheeks, I sniffled and wiped them away. _I want to grow old with him._

I pulled the sheets closer to my chest and choked out a sob. _Viktor.._

It just wasn't possible. A _miracle_ that would be! He was too much of a dream come true. _Too much for someone like me._

_Someone like Viktor Nikiforov, famous web-celeb?_

If I were him, I'd be running off to the hills as soon as someone like me would even approach!

My lungs clenched closed painfully, throbbing. _Fuck. It's happening again._

A pang of fear ran through me and there was only one thought running through my head: _I could die today._

_I could die **any** day. _

Coughing, I weakly lifted an arm to reach for the button to call a nurse. _Anyone._

_**What are you doing? Just get it over with.** _

I hesitated, a harsh cough wracking through my exhausted body. You'd die anyway, right? Why not just get it over now, and end your family's misery?

**_Dying is easy, but living is harder, after all._ **

**_End everyone's misery._ **

**_End your misery._ **

My right hand hovered shakily over the button. _What was I waiting for?_ I glanced at the mirror. The image wasn't pretty— body panting hard, hand and mouth stained by blood and bloodied petals rained down the white sheets. I took my right hand back and clenched my eyes shut, more tears threatening to come out.

_**Just get it over with.** _

_**Die.** _

The door opened, "Yuuri! Look, I got you some—" Viktor's eyes widened and he rushed forward, voice panicked and worried, "Yuuri!"

He hurriedly pressed the button and rubbed my back, whispering encouragement as I wheezed and coughed.

The door slammed open and two nurses, followed by Dr. Tanaka came in, "Mr. Nikiforov, could you please move back? Tasha, get him an inhaler! Hurry!" One of the nurses, an auburn-haired nurse named Tasha, nodded and hurriedly ran out the door, "Claire, straighten him up! We need to get him to a position where he can breathe much easier!"

"Yes, Doctor!"

Still coughing heavily, I willed my body to move as Claire held me up, positioning me properly on the bed. Tasha rushed in, setting up the inhaler.

"Yuuri, we're going to have you take out all the petals still clogging your lungs, okay?" I tried to nod, only to keel over as a particularly hard cough came out of me. A lot of petals fell out. A lot of blood. _Red, red, red. Never-ending **red**. _

"Yuuri!" I could still make out Viktor's voice as my vision blurred. _Were my glasses off? Was I losing consciousness? Probably the latter.._

_I can't breathe..._

"Doctor.. Could you please give us a moment?"

That question was answered with shuffling footsteps and a final nod from Dr. Tanaka, "Call us immediately if something happens, Mr. Nikiforov."

I gnawed on my bottom lip, fighting back the tears as Viktor reasoned, "You can't do this to yourself, Yuuri!"

"You can't ruin your life just for one meager guy! There are," he hesitated, "... _ **tons**_ of other people out there— you just have to find the right one! Don't give up!"

_But, I only want you._

_And you would never feel the same way._

Tears bursted out and I could only shake my head as I curled up, forehead leaning over the groove between my drawn-up knees.

Viktor propped himself over the side of my bed, kneeling on the floor, "Yuuri, please. Please don't do this."

I cried harder as I shook my head continuously, "No, no, no, no!"

" _Yuuri!_ "

"I can't do it, Viktor! You don't understand—"

"Then _tell_ him! Get it over with, Yuuri! Only a fool would reject you."

I laughed self-deprecatingly at that, "I would be the fool to think he'd even want to do something with me."

"Don't say that about yourself, Yuuri..." I shook my head, smiling and looked out the window, tears still trailing down my cheeks.

I never did bother about keeping my face less tear-stained. People would know that I cried with my puffy red eyes alone anyway.

"I'm not worth anybody's time. And really, it's amazing how you're still here," I laughed, "Thanks for being here, Viktor."

Frowning, Viktor held onto my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, "That's not true, Yuuri. Anybody is worth anyone's time. Don't think like that. You may not think you're worth something, but I—... _someone_ out there might think you're worth everything. He might."

A hard pang made my heart throb painfully and I sadly smiled, drawing away my hand, "I think that's way too ambitious for someone like me to think of. I'm _dying_."

"You could always turn this situation around! _You could—_ "

" _You know I can't—_ "

" **Just forget him, Yuuri.** "

Viktor pulled my face to look him in the eyes, "Forget him. I could help you forget him— _arrange you on blind dates, let you meet new—_ "

A sharp sound echoed through the room as my hand struck at Viktor's cheek.

Nothing could have prepared Viktor for the slap that came down his cheek.

He stared at me in shock, and a flicker of pain, hurt and betrayal crossed his features. My angry exterior had wavered then, tone inexplicably unsure. No. Viktor. Viktor, if you only knew...

Viktor flashed me a hurt expression and chuckled bitterly. Guilt made its way through my heart and mind, "I guess that's really what you want, huh?"

And with eyes blazing with hurt, he added, "I'm sorry for being a bother, Yuuri."

With a face showing my guilt, I stayed silent, hand twitching while my mind ran through various thoughts. Viktor made his way to the coat rack conveniently placed by the door and grabbed his coat and scarf.

Glancing over at me with a hesitantly sad smile, he bid me farewell and made his way out the door in a quiet shuffle.

_I had no right!_

I clamored around my bed, grabbing the sheets and threw them over my head, curling up under, my pillows muffling the uncontrollable cries.

_The face he showed me... I had no right to get mad at him._

_He doesn't even know how I feel._

_I'm such a fucking jerk!_

I yelled, my pillow still muffling the sound of my voice.

That night was the worst of all nights.

My guilt-ridden mind kept me up, refusing me the rest I needed. I tossed and turned all throughout the night, seeing the hurt flickering through Viktor's beautiful blue eyes. The beauty of his orbs did not match the message they were portraying. **_Not at all._**

And it was no thanks to me.

My mind kept bringing me back to his expression, the stinging red over his cheek and the pained smile he gave me last.

I have never hated myself more than after this.

I fell into a dreamless sleep at last with the uneasy feeling never leaving.

 

The tension never left us.

Not like how Chris and Phichit seemed to make it a point to leave us alone pretty often.

And in those moments, I wished I've just kept my mouth tapered closed and my hand clenched tight.

Viktor started acting cautious around me, almost skittish, to the point that I felt even more guilty than I've felt before in my entire life. He would throw me a nervous smile or two every now and then as he would ask me to lean over while he fluffed my pillows for me.

He **never** used to do that. My heart clenched as Viktor made his way quietly to the couch— the farthest sitting area from the bed. From me.

He _used to_ prop himself on the chair next to me and rest his head over on the side of bed while I read my book.

He _used to_ laugh to no abandon, throwing out careless and really harmless, teasing remarks as I reprimand his actions.

He _would_ yell out my name every time he makes his grand entrance into the room, flailing his arms carrying bags filled with unnecessary stuff that he thought would keep me occupied and happy.

He _used to_ listen attentively as I tell him all about my life, the skating and other things in general.

He would show me his heart-shaped smile as he thumbs through his camera roll, showing me all the pictures of his adorable curly-haired standard poodle, Makkachin.

We _used to_ talk into the day, just about anything we could think of.

We _used to_ make fun of the people on the game shows we watch on TV to relieve us of boredom during particularly lazy days.

We _used to_ go out for a light walk just within the hospital grounds, when we needed the fresh air and the open windows weren't enough anymore.

We _used to_ exchange soft smiles throughout the day.

Everything's just been wrapped up in this sort of suffocating, anxiety-inducing ball and it won't just go away.

I only buried my face deeper in the sheets and sighed, eyes close to tears. He's just there, but... why do I feel like he's so far away?

"New beginnings make me sad."

I looked over at him sharply, surprised.

He only smiled sadly and continued, "Normally, it would indicate something far-fetched like hope, right?"

He sighed softly, drawing his legs to prop it up on the couch and hugged them to his chest, "Well, I guess I was different. For me, it didn't."

"It just brought up the terrifying fact that I would never get to see the two most important individuals in my life."

I could only look on in sadness and shock. _Viktor, what..?_

"It meant that I couldn't see my mom cooking in the kitchen, humming a tune she made herself, stirring the sauce with _smetana_ she made for my favorite dish, _Stroganoff_ ," he laughed ruefully and ruffled the hair on the back of his head, "It meant not being able to see Dad's studio— _you should've seen it, Yuuri, it was amazing._ Colors were everywhere, paintings vibrantly alive."

"The most painful of all was that..." Viktor turned to look up at me, eyes vulnerable, visibly pained and sorrowful, "It meant that I couldn't go home to a greeting from my Dad or a kiss from my Mom."

"It meant that I had to go home to an empty house, filled to the brim with memories I'd wanted to keep and forget at the same time."

"It meant everything had changed."

I fought the urge to run up to the distraught man and hug him, keeping my mouth shut as he continued to lay his heart bare.

"And everything... from the big to the small things, it all meant a lot to me. To lose it all in a car crash— I can't go through that again. I knew I couldn't go through that again."

Viktor held my gaze, a lone tear falling down his cheek, " _Please don't make me go through it again._ "

I promptly got off my bed and hurriedly made my way to Viktor, wrapping the man within my arms and comfortingly traced circles on his back, "Oh, Viktor... I'm sorry. **_I'm so sorry._** "

I've never thought of untangling our arms from each other.

Neither did Viktor, and we fell asleep like that— sprawled across the couch, Viktor's head resting on my chest, my left arm under him, and hand protectively over his head.

I haven't slept this well since last week and the droopy feeling I had over my eyes slowly went away as I slept all my worries and fears away, only the thought of consoling the man in my arms important.

_I'm sorry, Viktor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cheers to ppl who'd see the hamilton reference lol :(((


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we gooooooo

In a week, we were back to normal.

Viktor smiled a lot more and laughed a whole _lot_ more. The gentle spark in his eyes gradually came back and we were on the way to forgetting the issue from before.

Occasionally, we would cuddle together on the couch while we talk our hearts out. We jokingly called this our ' _heartfest_.'

Viktor also made it a point to buy absolutely useless stuff he sees in the store across the hospital.

This time, he bought a bag full of unhealthily delicious chocolate candies and two...mics?

"Uh, Viktor, what the heck is this?"

Viktor beamed and grabbed the magenta-colored ' _mic_ ,' " _It's a mic-slash-bottle of bubbles!_ See?"

He twisted the head and out came the bubble blower. Viktor squealed excitedly, "Open yours, Yuuri! Come on!"

I chuckled and gave him a reprimanding, yet fond, look, "Okay, okay."

Opening my own bottle, I blew a few bubbles at Viktor's face, who sputtered in surprise, "Yuuri!"

Smirking, I held my bubble blower like I would a sword and gave him a haughty look, "Ha, you better not let your guard down. This is a battle, Sir Nikiforov!"

With a handsome smirk of his own, Viktor flicked off his fringe over his face and said, "Bring it, Sir Katsuki! _En garde!_ "

We ran around the room, laughing as we threatened each other with our makeshift _sabre_.

At some point, Viktor had used up all his bubble solution. He stared at his empty bottle in terror as I crept up on him, smirking openly.

He cried out as I attacked him with bubbles in his face.

He laid sprawled out on the floor, looking as dead to the world as a graduating college student.

Then, he started sputtering out, "Oh god, I nearly swallowed a _bubble_! A bubble in my mouth, Yuuri!" Viktor cried out as I rolled my eyes and turned back, "Oh get a _grip_ , drama queen."

"That's so mean, Yuuri!"

I only laughed in response and plopped down on my bed and grabbed a piece of chocolate candy, "How many of these did you even buy?"

He muttered out a " _5_ ," and I gaped, "Are you serious? How the hell are we going to finish all these, Viktor! You're crazy!"

Viktor shrugged, "I just heard from Phichit how much you liked these— he said they were your favorite food, second to your Mom's _katsudon_."

I fought off an oncoming blush and cleared my throat. _God, he asked Phichit about this? That's so sweet._

_**Oh please. He probably didn't ask. Phichit just forced him to know all this about you.** _

That helped fight off the reddening of my cheeks and I replied, "Oh. Thanks, I guess..."

If he had noticed the change in my expression, Viktor didn't mention it and just smiled softly, "Anytime, Yuuri."

I laid against my fluffed pillows (courtesy of Viktor, of course) and munched on the chocolate candies.

I couldn't have been more happier. I was comfortable, at peace and best of all, Viktor was here.

He will always be here.

I smiled to myself and decided that it was high time I finished my book. I asked Viktor to hand it over (I left it on the coffee table over by the couch) and reached for it.

Only to find myself clutching onto the sheets, struggling for breath, " _Yuuri!_ "

I lifted my head, panting and gave him a weak smile, "I..I'm fine, Viktor."

Face adamant and eyes set ablaze, Viktor gripped my hand tight, "No, you're not. Yuuri, please. Please don't do this to yourself. Take the surgery."

I shook my head wildly as a hard cough wracked through my body.

" _Yuuri!_ "

Viktor hurriedly pressed the emergency button to call for the nurses, tracing soothing circles around my back as I coughed out blood and more and more petals.

With every petal that emerged, my heart grew heavier.

My time with Viktor was almost over. There would be no more smore nights, _heartfests_ or bubble duels. No more heart-shaped smiles, loud laughter and sparkling eyes.

A lone tear fell down my cheek as I slowly losed focus, still coughing uncontrollably.

I could vaguely make out the figures making way into the room, but why couldn't I see them properly?

_I'm tired. So tired._

_I want to rest. I want to sleep._

I could hear Dr. Tanaka's voice, "Mr. Nikiforov, he's entering the end stages of his illness. It's only getting worse."

I felt the blood over on my lips, and the petals splattered all over the sheets and pillows as Viktor hesitantly asked, "How long does he have?"

I glanced at Dr. Tanaka as my sight refocused, reply grim, "Not much longer. If he doesn't take the surgery and have the flowers removed," she sighed, "He'll die."

The two nurses hurried around me, grabbing the inhaler and fastening it around me.

As soon as it was attached, I felt my lungs function again. The petals were still there, no doubt, but the coughing ceased, for now.

A minute passed and Viktor said, "Could you please leave us for now, Doctor? I want to talk to Yuuri in private. Please."

I glanced at him in surprise, lifting my head slightly from where it was resting on the pillow.

Dr. Tanaka only nodded, ushering her nurses out, "Look after him, Mr. Nikiforov. Call us if anything goes wrong."

Viktor stared back at me and replied, "Of course, Doctor. I will."

The door closed and the tension rose.

"Yuuri..."

I knew what this is about and I'm not going to let him think that I've changed my mind a single bit.

_**Not when I've fallen for him all over again.** _

I shook my head profusely and he sighed, frustrated, kneeling before the bed, gripping my hand, "Yuuri, if you don't do the surgery, you'll leave a lot of people who love you behind. You'll leave them in grief. Do you want that?"

I closed my eyes shut and willed my tears away, facing away from Viktor.

"Yuuri, Yuuri, please.. Don't do this to yourself. You have a life to live."

I removed the inhaling mask and Viktor yelped, "Yuuri, _no_!"

"I'm sorry. I just can't do it, Viktor."

He freezed, eyes pained, "Yuuri..."

_**'...everything... from the big to the small things, it all meant a lot to me.'** _

I laughed non-humorously, "I guess we feel the same, Viktor," I glanced at him and smiled bitterly, "I just don't want to see him and lose the love I feel for him."

"You all think I actually want to die? That I'm prepared to do so?" I chuckled darkly, "No one will ever be prepared to die."

"But, I'd rather die— life without love isn't _living_ at all, Viktor."

I took his hand and squeezed, looking up into his teary eyes, "And you can't live your life right without any sacrifices."

Viktor pressed his forehead over our locked fingers, crying, "Yuuri, please. _Please_."

I tried to gently pry his hands off, fighting off my own tears, "Viktor, shh.. I'm so sorry. But it's all going to be fine. Even without me, life will move on."

Viktor snapped up to look at him, defiance in his eyes, " _No, it won't!_ "

He choked out a sob, "I-I've never felt this helpless until my parents died. Yuuri, I wouldn't be feeling like this if you didn't matter to me, because you _do_. _You matter the world to me_."

My eyes widened in surprise. _What does that mean? Viktor..?_

He closed his eyes, breathed in and out deeply, then determinedly stared into my brown eyes with his teary ocean blue orbs, "I love you, Yuuri Katsuki."

_Viktor...loves me?_

Before that thought could even process, I found myself gasping for air again. Viktor scrambled to get upright and pressed on the button, holding onto my trembling and coughing form, "Yuuri!"

My body couldn't hold up any longer, and fatigue soon set in on my bones.

I was fading in and out— I couldn't process anything.

I couldn't breathe even more. The pain was excruciating. My lungs felt like they were on fire and drowning at the same time. My body was trembling all over, eyes lidded and threatening to fall close. Breathing was second to nature and yet I found myself gaping like a fish out of water.

Viktor held onto me desperately, hovering over me protectively as Dr. Tanaka entered the room, footsteps flurrying.

The last thing I felt was Viktor's warmth separating from mine, and I gradually lost conciousness.

I love you too, Viktor..

 

 

Everything was in a flashing blur.

Footsteps only getting quicker, sounds only getting louder.

The normalcy of the every day I spent here was gone.

The peace of the room, the silent breeze wafting through the room, the soft turning of pages and the man leaning against his bed's wooden headboard. The gentle smile on his lips, the twinkle in his eyes, the soft touch of his palm and the pleasant lilt of his voice: " _Viktor_ ," rang through my head.

_Yuuri_. A sharp pain ran through my heart, my eyes stinging with tears. He couldn't... _No_ , he just couldn't.

He can't leave me like this.

Not when I'm this broken. Not when I've finally found my own life and love.

_Yuuri, don't leave me. Please._

_**Please, stay close to me.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started with yuuri's POV, ended it with viktor's
> 
> next chap will be alllllll abt viktor so stay tuned guys!!


	8. Reminiscence — Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back with viktor's POV this time, enjoy!!

__

_"Where the fuck are you, old man?"_

Laughing, I teasingly cooed, "Oh, Yurotchka! Were you worried about me? You shouldn't have!"

Sputtering angrily, Yuri growled, " _Fuck_ _you!_ I'm not! Grandpa is!"

"Now, now! Tell Nikolai not to worry about me— I am absolutely okay!"

_"Yeah, well you said that too after getting stuck in Incheon."_

"My flight left without me!"

_"You were fucking late for two hours!"_

Chuckling, I replied, "Now, don't sweat the details, _kotyonok_!" Yuri growled, "Just tell me _where_ _the_ _fuck_ you are and how long you're going to be gone this time! Fuck, you're _wasting_ my practice time!"

"Well... I'm in Detroit."

"Detroit?" Yuri grunted, "Unexpected choice. What made you choose that place?"

"Oh, I don't know," I shrugged and teasingly replied, "What's gotten you so curious now, Yurotchka?"

"That's it— _fuck_ _it,_ I'm hanging up."

" _Wha_ —"

I was about to ask about his skating practice..

I sighed and walked on my own.

_Well, now what do you do, Vikfor Nikiforov?_

I sighed again, boredom etched on my chiseled features.

~~_(Of course I had chiseled features, how dare you all to even complain about that—)_ ~~

Detroit was nothing like St. Petersburg, or Switzerland, where I visited for the summer, for that matter, but I strangely felt compelled to stay.

It was like something was pulling me to stay. A weird feeling, but welcomed, nonetheless.

The bustling city was peaceful, compared to the bustling streets of New York where I visited last year with Chris, or Tokyo, the city that literally never sleeps.

I barely had to be convinced to stay longer.

I did have to check on Georgi's condition...

~~_(Seriously, who the hell runs from the country just because of heartbreak? And they all say I'm the dramatic one!)_ ~~

_God_. I had to groan to myself, _if_ _I hear another fucking word about Anya, I will seriously cut a bitch._

~~_(I'm considering cutting Georgi, though Anya's on top of the list for leaving me to pick up the pieces of the heart of this overdramatic friend of mine.)_ ~~

I was cut off from my narrative as I walked pass a park. Children running to and fro, pet owners walking their dogs...

I grinned, _I could take Makka here for a walk!_

_The leaves are falling and Makka does love jumping into piles and piles of leaves._

Couples passed by me, hands intertwined and their soft laughter reaching my ears. Burying my hands in my pockets, I sighed in loneliness and stared at their backs in envy.

_Will I ever have someone like that..?_

A lonely smile played on my lips as I hummed thoughtfully to myself, mumbling, "You will, Viktor! There's always someone for everybody! Mama said so, didn't she?"

**_"Whoever they are, they will love and cherish you! You should do so in return, okay Vitya?"_ **

**_"Da!"_ **

I laughed softly at the fond memory and continued on my walk, body curling in on the cold. Russia was much more cold, _yes_ , but I was never in Russia that much after I've set out on my first adventure in a different country.

Normally, I would've prepared before actually sightseeing. Searching for the aesthetically pleasing places that people don't normally frequent, seek out the life and love I've forever been hoping for.

Something I've been awfully busy for. Something I've forgotten until I realized it actually mattered.

I rubbed my hands together and sighed.

"Now, I want some coffee... Where do I..? Oh!"

_The Corone, huh?_

I peered in from the shop's window and smiled.

With its wooden chairs and tables, flower vases and large black and white picture frames to complete the look, it looked like a small piece of serenity.

Seeking warmth in the cold climate, I've decided to take shelter in the shop for awhile. _A cup of coffee sounded more than divine, god._

Entering silently, I glanced around and made my way towards the cashier to order.

Unruly raven hair greeted my vision as the woman in front took his order, smiling.

"One steaming cup of hot chocolate, coming right up, sir!" The dark-haired woman behind the cashier headed off to place the order, as the man in front of me faced my way, and stumbled with a cute squeak.

He still looked on straight, looking slightly dazed? Then, he shook his head vehemently. _I wonder why..?_

I stared him down in wonder as he squeaked in surprise, stumbling back. I caught his arm in time before he actually fell on his butt.

~~_(His very cute butt.)_ ~~

Replying with tiny stutters, the cutie started apologizing profusely and bowed.

I only chuckled and replied, "It's okay really! No need to bow!"

He then proceeded to lift his head and chocolate brown eyes met my blue ones. My throat tightened at the sight, _what a cutie._

His slightly gaping mouth left me chuckling, and I winked, "Wow, never thought I'd get the chance to meet such a cutie today!"

_Oh god, please marry me._

His obvious struggle to reply made him so much more adorable and endearing in my eyes. Can this man get any cuter?

"Can I come and sit with you?"

Cutie nodded stiffly as I smiled and went to place my order.

_God, was I lucky._

  
"Chris!" I moaned, "He was so cute! You should've seen his face! So squishy and soft! Eyes a deep color brown and an adorable flush on his cheeks! He looked absolutely divine, Chris! He could ask me to stand in front of an oncoming truck with that face, and I would've done it!"

Chris laughed, eyes twinkling and a sultry smile on his face, "Viktor, _mon_ _ami_ , I have never seen you this... _thirsty_ before."

Pouting, I huffed, "I am not thirsty!"

Chris cocked a brow at me and I deflated in reply and sheepishly added, "Okay, maybe a little..."

I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest, " _Oh fuck it!_ I'm parched, okay? As parched as a man walking through the dessert!"

Chris chuckled, "And you've found your so-called oasis?"

Wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, he smirked and drawled on, "You did tell me about his thick thighs..."

My face felt hot. "Chris!"

He guffawed out a laugh and waved me off with a hand, "Joking, joking!"

"Why not ask this cutie, Yuuri, out? You've never had a problem with that back then," Chris asked, cocking a brow, "You've always been quite the smooth talker. He seems your type— even has a cute little butt."

I worriedly bit my lip and jumped on my hotel bed, "I-I don't know, Chris. I mean, it feels _different_ this time."

Chris stared at me in curiosity, "How so, _mon_ _cheri_?"

"I..." I started out hesitatingly, "I don't know. It's a feeling I can't quite place, Chris, and it actually feels like he's the one. I'm kind of... _scared_."

My best friend stared at me incredulously and in wonder, " _Mon_ _cheri_... don't tell me..."

I sighed and rubbed my face, groaning, "It's weird and complicated, okay? It's like all my senses are tingling, telling me that he's the one. Does that make any sense?"

Chris shrugged helplessly, "I don't know, Vik," he bit his lip and added, "I have never felt that way about someone..."

My eyes softened, "Oh Chris, I'm sure you'll feel like this soon enough! Besides," I worried my bottom lip and sighed, "I don't even understand what _I_ feel.."

Chris smiled reassuringly and gave me a thumbs-up, "You'll figure it out soon, _mon_ _ami_! I'm sure of it! Now, about that cutie of yours..."

"Hold on! I'm going to call Yura!"

"Viktor, _what_ —?"

I hung up on Chris and hurriedly dialed Yuri's number, vibrating in happiness.

_"What the fuck do you want now, old man?" I had to dial thrice, and this is the greeting I get?_

I pouted and sighed, "At least sound happy I'm actually calling you right now."

_"Why should I act like I'm even happy to talk to you, when I don't even like you?"_

"Why are you so mean to me, Yurotchka?" I whined and sobbed dramatically, as Yuri hissed at me, annoyed, "What do you want? _Unlike you_ , I actually have a life to live! And _training_ to do!"

"I met him, Yurotchka!"

"Oh, no," he growled, "Stop hoeing around, Nikiforov!"

"What?" I gasped innocently, "I'm not hoeing!"

"Oh, you know what I mean, you dirty old man! You're calling to _pine_ over some unfortunate man who's _unlucky_ _enough_ to have caught your eye."

I chuckled nervously, "No, I'm not..."

"Yes, you are!" Yuri hissed and added, "You always call me like I care to know how _his hair dances with the wind_ , and how _his eyes shine like the bright stars in the night sky_. Ugh, disgusting!"

_"But this is different!"_

Yuri laughed haughtily, "Oh, _yeah_? How come?"

_"It feels different! I can't understand—"_

_"Who the hell is this guy anyway? You know his name? Have his number?"_

"Aww," I cooed, "I knew you really cared, Yurotchka! I love you!"

_"Just answer the fucking question, dickwad!"_

"His name's Yuuri Katsuki, and yes, I have his number," I hummed softly, "Come to think of it, he said something about being a skater. Maybe you know him, Yurotchka?"

I received silence from the other line and I took a look at my phone's screen, and the call was still ongoing, so why is it so quiet?

"Uh, hello, Yurotchka—"

" _You fucking idiot!_ That's Yuuri Katsuki, two time World Champion figure skater! He once won an Olympic gold for Japan!" Yuri hissed, " _Fuck you_ , you knew him and just told me?"

I yelped, "I-I didn't know!"

_"He's the fucking reason why I even wanted to become a skater! Fuck! Let me meet him!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this took so long
> 
> i got sidetracked after watching this short film called In a Heartbeat and god, it gave me so much feels I JUST HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING WITH IT
> 
> and ofc i did lol i just couldn't resist


	9. Reminiscence — Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm extremely sorry this took so long!! i got caught up with the start of school
> 
> (and i've also been writing for my in a heartbeat!au)
> 
> anyway, here's part 2 for y'all! <3

The sun was brighter, the grass looked greener.

Everything looked vibrant and full of life. The sky looked beautiful, but not as beautiful as the man across the table, with his bowstring, rosy lips and light smiles.

Yuuri replied to my stories with a small smile of his own, sipping on his cup of tea. _Genmaicha_ , he says it's called. His favorite tea.

"Oh, Yuuri, you would have loved Korea! It was cold, _yes_ , but it was just right! Nothing like Russia, where it's cold literally every day!" I moaned and added, "It was amazing!"

Yuuri only chuckled in reply, "I'm sure it was."

We were then enveloped in a temporary, comfortable silence.

Yuuri has never told me more about himself. I've always left him chances to actually initiate, and never once he took it. It was surprisingly difficult to get anything from the shy young man, who only tried to evade my questions.

And so, I asked. "What about you?"

He hummed questioningly, an inquiring gaze thrown at me.

"Any stories to tell?"

Shaking his head, he replied, "Nothing. Life isn't as interesting as yours, after all.."

I doubt that. Yuuri's a professional figure skater, after all. Frowning, I tried to coax him to tell me more about him, but his reply's wording...

"I'd like that for you too."

_It was like he meant something more._

"What do you mean, Yuuri?"

Yuuri laughed in reply and waved me off, "Oh, nothing!"

I kept my gaze trained on him as he pondered on his own thoughts. _What did he exactly mean?_

I inwardly groaned. _God, Yuuri's an enigma. A walking paradox._

He looks impeccably sweet, an adorable flush on his cheeks. A true cinnamon roll, his friend Phichit calls him. (" _I don't even know what that means!" Yuuri groaned out, sighing, "I don't look like some piece of pastry to you, don't I?_ ")

~~_(Even that cluelessness of his was attractive.)_ ~~

But you're wrong to judge a book by its cover.

I'm just so convinced that that's what Yuuri wants you to think. _What he wants us all to think._

All the days we've met like this, I've caught glimpses of Yuuri's different sides. Yuuri had this certain tinge of sensuality in his movements. His gracefulness exhibits the inner sultriness his dancing may require.

It just made him all the more perfect in my eyes.

And the way he licked his lips after taking a sip of his tea makes me feel things...

I suddenly felt hot. _God, keep it in your pants, Nikiforov._

I was cut off from my thoughts as I saw the slight shaking of Yuuri's hand as he carefully placed his cup back down.

What was that about?

"Yuuri, are you alright?" I asked worriedly, senses alert.

He waved him off as he keeled over, hyperventilating. I dashed over in a hurried fashion, "Yuuri! _Yuuri?_ Breathe!"

He couldn't stop coughing. _This is bad. Something is terribly wrong._

"Mila, Sara! Help!"

The two women rushed out as soon as I called out, and pleaded to them to call for an ambulance. An emergency, I said, desperately holding onto Yuuri as a particular violent cough wracked through his body.

"You'll be okay, Yuuri... You'll be fine."

Coughing, Yuuri lifted his head and replied in between coughs, "I'm.. fine..."

And with hands muffling his words, he added a weak, "It's fine... Viktor..."

I shushed him as I smoothed back his matted hair, wet with sweat, his coughing only becoming harder and harder.

Yuuri removed the hand clamping over his mouth and there was _blood_.

Blood was sprayed over his hand, and bloody petals fell out his mouth with them.

 _Yuuri_. Gasping, I could only look on in pain and sadness as Yuuri started coughing hard again.

He didn't say anything. He _couldn't_.

But this moment suddenly felt too private. I felt ashamed. It felt like I was intruding into Yuuri's life.

I felt Yuuri starting to fall limp, my arms wounding around him to try and keep him upright. He leaned in on me as I called out, "Yuuri! Yuuri, answer me!"

Yuuri stopped moving. My heart stopped at that and I turned his head over, only to see his eyes closed.

_Fuck, this wasn't happening!_

I pressed my hand to his chest frantically and I sighed in relief. His heart thumped faintly, but it was there.

Soon, I heard the ambulance's sirens and screeching tires. People rushed in with a stretcher, and I followed, helplessly, along.

"Sir, can you come with us to the hospital? We need the details."

I nodded and rushed in the vehicle just as they deposited the unconscious Yuuri.

Pale and sickly Yuuri.

I clenched my hands together, and prayed. _Yuuri, be well._

  
God.

Phichit looked crushed. Chris and I stared at each other in silent contemplation. Chris gave me a look: _let's go._

Sighing silently to myself, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean that I actually want to do it. Unless, Yuuri wanted me to stay..

Then, that's a different story.

Chris bade him goodbye and gestured me to follow the same. Sighing, I started, "Yuuri, I'll—"

Before I could even finish, Yuuri blurted out a " _stay_."

My eyes widened and my lips parted in surprise. _Yuuri_.. he trusted me enough to stay.

He asked me to stay.

My gaze softened as I smiled gently, "Of course, Yuuri."

And that's more than enough for me.

  
Strolling through the store, I hummed thoughtfully in amazement. This store literally had everything. From food to toys, it was here.

_Ooh, there's even some Japanese cuisine cookbook! Maybe I could surprise Yuuri by making him his favorite, Katsudon, one day._

Grinning, I grabbed it and took two bags of chips and two _yo-yo's_ to play with later.

Seeing that exasperated, yet fond, look on Yuuri's face brings my life to completion.

I was brought to this world to make him smile. To make him the happiest man alive.

And I will make him _just_ that.

Rushing to the counter, I gave the woman behind the counter a dashing smile, "I'd like to take these, please!"

  
I greeted everyone on the way to Yuuri's room, giving them a polite smile and a wave. I was chatting with the nurse I met the other day, Tasha, when Dr. Tanaka called out to me, "Mr. Nikiforov."

I straightened my posture and acknowledged her, "Doctor."

She approached us and smiled, "You've been a frequent face here ever since. I'm amazed to see someone as dedicated as you."

Laughing sheepishly, I rubbed my nape and replied, "Well, he is a dear friend. I don't want him to spend his days here alone with nothing to do." Humming, Dr. Tanaka crossed her arms in front of her chest, the atmosphere suddenly turning serious, "You are aware of how grave Mr. Katsuki's situation is, right?"

That wiped the small grin off my face. I glanced down, fringe covering my face.

" _Yes_ ," I mumbled silently, "I am awfully aware."

Her gaze softened, "Mr. Nikiforov, are you perhaps..?"

_Yes. Yes, I am. But..._

_He could never feel the same way._

I laughed loudly and returned Dr. Tanaka's gaze, "Well, I better get going, Doctor. Don't want to keep Yuuri waiting!" Winking, I added, "I have, after all, not missed a day to visit since."

Dr. Tanaka gave me a small smile, "Well, if anything does happen, tell us immediately. Look after him, Mr. Nikiforov, please."

I nodded, "Of course."

I bid the Doctor and Tasha goodbye, making my way to Yuuri's.

Arriving at his doorstep, I hesitated for a second. _Yuuri could die. He will die. Someday, he'd leave. Leave me._

I shook my head. _No. Yuuri will live. I'll make sure of it. He will live happily._

_**With me or not, he will live.** _

Wiping the bitter smile off my face, I inhaled deeply and gathered myself. And with a smile, I opened the door with my cheery voice, "Look, Yuuri! I got you some—"

My blood ran cold. I rushed over in a flurry of steps, " _Yuuri_!"

I immediately pressed the emergency button, and tried to soothe his painful coughing, whispering words of encouragement.

Heart clenching, I could only bear so much of this. Yuuri looked so much in pain.

_I can't let this be._

I heard Dr. Tanaka's voice faintly asking me to move aside. I obeyed and watched in worry. I bit my lip and tried looking away.

_I tried. I tried in vain._

I never could. Yuuri, even in this state, was beautiful. He's mesmerizing, enchanting, fascinating— as enamored as I was with him, I was not surprised. He is, and he always will be beautiful in my eyes.

Seeing the face of the man I've fallen for, lips stained red, eyes drooping in exhaustion and conveying his long flashes of pain.

It hurt to be this helpless, feeling useless while I watched the only man I love suffer in excruciating pain.

This needed to stop. _Soon_.

Before it's too late.

  
And just like that, we fought.

I staggered through my apartment, Makkachin following closely behind yipping helplessly.

I collapsed on the sofa and I held out my arms for comfort.

"Makka," I whispered as my poodle scuffled on over and jumped into my arms. I shakily sighed. My tears just won't stop.

"Oh, Makka, it was horrible!" I sobbed, burying myself further into Makkachin's coat of fur, "Yuuri... he's going to die! He's going to leave me!"

Makkachin whined pitifully as he tried licking my tears off my face, "And just when I've _finally_ found someone I can hold onto! He's the _only_ _one_ , Makka! If he _dies_..."

_He's going to take a piece of my heart with him— **I** **just** **knew** **it.**_

The reality of the situation just made everything all the more painful. A life without Yuuri _wasn't_ life at all. _Yuuri_ was his _Life_ and _Love_. The only person to have given him the two most important things that he's lacked for years. He was the only person who brought such color to his otherwise dull and lackluster world. The only one who he wanted to hold onto.

And knowing that he would have to _let_ _go_...

Viktor buried himself in Makkachin's fur, sobbing hopelessly as the poodle yipped sadly, trying its utmost hardest to cheer his Master up, only to fail spectacularly.

He could never recover from this.

  
"Viktor."

I glanced back to see Mari with a cigarette in hand, "Mari.."

She leaned back on the wall, cigarette lit and puffed out smoke, "I guess I should thank you for being here for my brother, huh?" I only shook my head in reply, "Why? I haven't done anything..."

Mari narrowed her eyes at me, "You have, Viktor. Your being with Yuuri is enough," Hse sighed and shook her head, "That kid, he can seem pretty indecisive, but when he decides on something— _that's_ _it_. He won't change his mind."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just kept quiet and enjoyed the comfortable silence. I wasn't any close with Mari, or Yuuri's family in general, but they've all welcomed me as if I was part of the family. It was the first time in more than a decade did I feel like I was part of something.

It made me feel warm just thinking about it.

"But really, Viktor," I hummed questioningly, shooting Mari an inquiring look, "Thank you."

She sighed heavily, "Not just for being there for him, but for," Hesitating, she shot me a knowing look, " _Loving_ him."

I stiffened up at that, standing upright as Mari laughed at my flushed face, "Was it that obvious?"

Teasingly, she smiled as she puffed out smoke, "Mom and Dad noticed the very first time we all met. How _smitten_ you were with my little brother."

I could only groan, hiding my reddening fave, embarrassed beyond belief, "Oh god." But a certain thought made its way across my mind and I asked, "How are Mama and Papa Katsuki?"

"Mom's crying every night and Dad's just as heartbroken over all of this."

My heart suddenly felt heavy. "Did he tell you who...?" Mari chuckled dryly and shot him a wry smile, "Of course not. He never changes, really— he loves making all these people worry."

My eyes glossed over with tears, "He does seem to love making us all worry!" I laughed nonsensically. Mari added, "And he's good at it too."

I agreed instantly, "At that, he is."

Silence soon followed, until Mari settled upright on her feet, "I guess I can leave my brother in your care for now? I was about to go in myself to keep him company, but since you're here and Mom and Dad could use all the help at the inn..."

I smiled reassuringly and waved her off, "It's okay, Mari. I'll look after him and keep him company."

She threw her cigar and gave me a small smile, "That's reassuring. Thanks, Viktor." Mari made to leave, and suddenly turned to say one last thing, "Oh, and Viktor?"

"Yes?" I asked, confusion laced all over my tone.

Mari looked me straight in the eye with the most vulnerable look I've seen on her face since I've met her, "Please don't give up on him."

All I could do was nod and give her a reassuring smile, "I wouldn't even dream of it."

  
Hours passed and I remained just there, hands over my face, foot tapping impatiently on the floor.

It was to that scene that Mari, Mama and Papa Katsuki came to.

" _Vicchan_!" The next thing I knew, I was engulfed in a warm hug and a soothing scent. Mama Katsuki. "You need rest, _Vicchan_. You look too drained. Have you eaten anything?"

The way she sounded so worried almost brought me close to tears.

"I'm fine," I mumbled timidly in reply and removed myself gently from Mama Katsuki's embrace, "But, Yuuri..."

My body started trembling as sobs wracked my body, "I'm sorry. _This is all my fault_. I..."

They all looked at me, worry in their eyes. Mama Katsuki shook her head and caressed my head soothingly, "Now what are you saying, _Vicchan_? This is not _your_ fault!" She gave me a sad smile, "It's just the _illness_ getting out of hand. Nothing is your fault..."

_"But, I knew that his illness was only getting worse and I had to go and say things like that—"_

That's when Mari decided to come in, "No buts, Viktor. It's not your fault, okay?" Her gaze softened and she added, "We don't blame you for what happened. Neither does Yuuri. If anything, we're extremely grateful for everything you've done for him.

Mari looked me in the eyes and smiled softly, "I'm saying this again, on behalf of our family— _thank you, Viktor_."

I could only cry harder as Mama Katsuki soothed me with words, with Mari patting me on my shoulder in sympathy. Papa Katsuki looked on with sad resignation in his eyes.

_If it was this hard, I wonder how I would fair with Yuuri gone..?_

_I never want to know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and done!! agh working with flashbacks has been such a PAIN IN THE ASS but i enjoyed writing viktor's perspective!
> 
> the next chapter might come a little late :(( again, i'm sorry! in the meantime, y'all could read my other fic, Unwavering Beat, my in a heartbeat!au! (sorry for the shameless promotion) but yeah, sorry for leaving the story like that :((( aha i'm sure everyone's as antsy as i am for the next chapter. i hope you guys enjoyed it!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...this is the end! I hope you guys like it!!  <3
> 
> (Forgive me if there are any errors)

You know that moment when your life literally flashes through your eyes?

I do.

This sensation.. felt somewhat familiar.

Eyes widening, I realized. _This was—_

My first walk, first talk...

First school day, first friend, first fight, first cry...

First love.

It all passed me by in a big blur.

I tried reaching forward, to a hazy memory of a happy me, aged 10, playing catch with an energetic ball of fluff.

 _Vicchan_. A pang of pain and grief ran through my chest.

As I skimmed through every memory flashing before my eyes, the feeling on my chest only lightened and soon, I was enveloped in a calming acceptance.

I surrendered myself to the reality: _I was going to die._

Laying in my hospital bed, physically and mentally absent, I couldn't say that I wasn't happy with how my life went.

I had great friends, a great family — literally nothing could make me complain about the life I've lived.

It's just that...

Just that I didn't get to tell him my feelings.

That familiar ache rose in my chest yet again as his beaming, heart-shaped smile and crinkled eyes came into view. The silver locks that I would never get the chance to caress, the pale yet strong hands that I would never get to hold, the broad body that I would never get to embrace, the rosy cheeks that I would never get to stroke— the lips that I would never get to kiss..

It was just too late.

A tear welled up as I watched another memory— of him and me, this time— our very first meeting.

Time sure flies when you're having fun, huh?

It was just months ago, two to be exact, that I was free.

I roamed the busy streets outside, humming to a tune I never even knew, kicking miniscule pebbles on the sidewalk.

I have never went out for coffee as much as I did this past two months.

I smiled wryly as I looked on the scene in front of me, memories still fresh in my mind like the vivid colors of the leaves that day as they fell from its branches.

In the distance, I could hear a voice resonating through the depths of my thoughts.

' _Yuuri_ ' it called in an anguished tone. I wonder why?

_Why cry for someone like me?_

_I don't deserve you, whoever you are._

_I'm sorry._

A tear streamed down my cheek and a near non-existent pain surrounded my heart in its tight grip as the scenic view of memories replaying, before my eyes, faded into darkness.

_Thank you._

With eyes closed, I welcomed death's embrace and the darkness consumed my being.

_Thank you, Viktor._

A familiar voice resonated through the darkness. _"Goodbye, Viktor."_

_Was that.. **me?**_

A sudden burst of light blinded me as I was propelled forward by a strong gust of wind. _Just what is happening?_

  
_"...tor!"_

_Huh? What?_

_"Viktor! You have to promise to visit, okay? Pinky promise?"_

Squinting at the bright light, I was met with a boy's figure, face completely obscured and unrecognizable. Despite me not really knowing what the hell the boy was talking about, I found myself responding to him in kind, _"Of course, Yuuri! We'll see each other again soon!"_

_Yuuri?_

_Yuuri? **What... is this?**_

The boy's blank face cleared, identity suddenly unraveled. It was Yuuri. He had the same warm brown eyes, unruly raven locks, and adorable, boyish grin. Yet, with the body of an eight-year old boy.

If he was eight, then I must be... I looked down at my body. Sure enough, I was in my twelve-year old's body.

_Wait. How the hell did I know his age?_

_"Viktor, you promised, okay?"_ He pouted, arms around his little chest, _"No going back on promises!"_

 _"You should probably go now, Viktor."_ Yuuri added, grinning softly, _"Your mama and papa are waiting for you."_

_"Bye, Viktor."_

_What? Is this Yuuri's way of... saying goodbye?_ I tried to reach for him in vain, with Yuuri shaking his head, _"You have to go, Viktor. We have to go."_

My eyes widened in fear at the implication, _"No, no! I don't want you to go, I don't want to go!"_

Yuuri smiled softly, _"But, we have to. **Goodbye, Viktor**."_

Before I could say anything else, I was shaken awake by a frantic Chris, with Phichit, Mari and... _is that Yuri?_ "Viktor!"

My eyes almost bulged out in surprise, " _Yurotchka_! What are you doing here?"

Yuri rolled his eyes and scoffed, and with limbs akimbo, sighed in resignation, "This _bastard_ ," he gestured to a grinning Chris, "called me over. Said you needed company..."

"I'm your cousin so," He added, "I'm here."

I rushed over and threw my arms over Yuri, cooing delightedly, "Aw, Yurotchka! I knew you cared!" Sputtering, Yuri slews out an angry response, an embarrassed flush coloring his cheeks, "Shut up, old man! I'm only here because I still need to break your limbs for keeping _Yuuri Katsuki_ all to yourself! Fucking dickwad!"

I only laughed sheepishly, "I really didn't know you, uh, _idolized_ him so much—"

Yuri scoffed, "Of course you don't. It's because you never listen to me."

Phichit huffed, pouting, "What about _me_?"

Yuri stopped, miffed, "I guess you're _okay_..?"

" _Okay?_ " Phichit gasped, "You're really saying that to _me_ , _Phichit Chulanont—_ rising star of Southeast Asia?" He whined, "I've won gold many times too!"

Yuri flushed red and replied in frustration, "Okay, _fine_! Your footwork may be sloppy compared to Yuuri's, but I learned the Quad Toe Loop from a video of yours! Happy?"

Everyone was rendered silent at that. Until Phichit started cooing at the blonde. I was just glad that Yuri didn't deck the Thai in the face.

I turned to Mari, eyes hopeful, "Any news..?" Mari disappointedly shook her head, "Not yet. People have been rushing in and out of the emergency room, too. It makes me feel kind of anxious."

Mama Katsuki sat next to me and gave me a smile, "You okay now, Vicchan?"

I nodded gratefully and she giggled, "You kept murmuring Yuuri's name in your sleep, Vicchan." I blushed heavily as everyone laughed, "Was it a good one, hm?" Chris wriggled his eyebrows suggestively as Yuri scowled, " _Gross!"_

"It was nothing like that!" I yelped, and Mama Katsuki only giggled harder, "You've always been following Yuu-chan around."

_Wait, what?_

Mari narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, "Uh, mom, sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've met Viktor."

Mama Katsuki blinked, confusion clouding her eyes, "What do you mean? We've already met Vicchan once, Mari!" Her eyes lit up, "Oh, right! You were at summer camp! Of course you wouldn't know Vicchan!"

I stared at the mother unblinkingly as everyone turned silent. Papa Katsuki cleared his throat, "Now, now, Hiroko, I don't think Vicchan even..." Then his gaze turned to me as Mama Katsuki gasped, a hand over her lips, "Vicchan, don't tell me— you don't remember?"

I shrugged helplessly, "I don't even know what I'm supposed to remember!"

Just as Mama Katsuki was about to talk, Dr. Tanaka came out of the ER, dressed in scrubs and wearing a tired smile, "Everyone."

Everyone rushed off to her, I included. "How is he, Doctor? Did he..?" Mama Katsuki clutched onto her husband's arm, needing comfort, and the Doctor only smiled in relief, "He's fine, Mrs. Katsuki. We've successfully removed the flowers."

My heart dropped at that. Yuuri didn't want his flowers, or the memories that came with it, to be removed. But, I couldn't deny the relief that washed over me. Mari looked conflicted, "But, didn't Yuuri not want those flowers to be removed?"

"Oh!" Dr. Tanaka laughed, "Right! I didn't explain the situation fully!"

She gestured for everyone to sit as she stood, smiling warmly, "You see, as soon as we rushed him to the ER, I had someone take a look at his lungs..."

 

_"Tasha! Have someone check the flowers lodged in his throat! We need to see how we'd go about remedying the situation!"_

_Tasha nodded, wheeling Yuuri off to the opposite direction in a hurried fashion. I went about checking the final preparations for the operation. Everyone inside was in a rush._

_"Doctor!" Tasha hurried up to me, smiling, "The flowers are detached from his lungs!"_

_"What?" I took the x-ray from her, only to be left amazed, "How could this be?"_

_Tasha only giggled, "We could just remove the flowers from his lungs, and he could function well again!" Claire ran up to us, panting, "Doctor, everything's prepared. Are we ready to operate?"_

_I nodded determinedly, "Yes. Bring him in the operation room, Tasha. Please. Claire, call an anesthesiologist, hurry."_

 

Everyone looked up at the doctor in wonder. Dr. Tanaka continued, "He pretty much passed out from the pressure of the flowers detaching. His body was slowly weakening, after all."

Everyone, except Yuri and Mari, who just smiled wide, cheered in relief. Mama Katsuki cried tears of joy and collapsed in Papa Katsuki's embrace, "Thank you, doctor. Thank you for saving our son..."

Dr. Tanaka smiled wryly, "I think we all know who to thank for this miraculous recovery."

She then gave me a knowing smile, everyone followed her gaze and Mama Katsuki giggled, "I knew it." Smiling, she approached Viktor and pulled him into a tight hug, " _Thank you, Vicchan_."

All the worry, anxiety and pain in me cleared. The relief and happiness that he was safe, alive and breathing, washed over me. I could only openly weep in relief, holding onto Mama Katsuki for support.

_I could never be happier than right now._

  
Why must everything be so bright?

The ceiling walls, the curtains, the light seeping through the windows...

Yuuri groaned at the bright room and rubbed at his eyes. Slipping on his glasses, placed conveniently on the bedside drawer, he looked down at himself.

Still dressed in the white hospital gown, he saw bandages covering his chest area. Yuuri panicked. _D-Did they..?_

 _No_. Yuuri clenched his chest, _I still remember everything._

_But, how come it's.. I don't feel anything lodged in my lungs?_

Yuuri frowned and glanced absently to his left, and gasped softly.

Speaking of bright things...

Viktor's ethereal sleeping face counts, right?

Yuuri marveled at the sleeping man's beauty. _He hadn't slept well at all, huh?_

The dark bags under his eyes proved it. He fought the urge to stroke the man's silver hair, and failed miserably.

 _Yuuri_ , he scolds, _you weak-ass man._

Stroking lightly, he hummed a light tune under his breath. Viktor snored lightly and followed Yuuri's touch in his sleep, smiling softly. Yuuri let out a small giggle and shook his head fondly. Even asleep, he was craving touch.

_Viktor is Viktor._

_He will always be the sweet, silly Viktor._

_The Viktor who would do everything for me._

Tears started cascading down his face, and he sniffed softly, trying not to wake Viktor.

"Viktor," he started, cupping Viktor's cheek in his palm softly, "Thank you. Thank you for everything."

He laughed wryly, "And I'm sorry for being such a jerk. A stubborn one, at that."

Rubbing his thumb over the dark bags underneath Viktor's eyes, Yuuri sighed, "I.. I really am grateful to have you in my life, Viktor."

"I..." Hesitating, he bit his lip, " _I really lo—_ "

Viktor stirred, mumbling to himself incoherently. Yuuri yelped in surprise as Viktor cracked his eyes open, "Hm?"

Yuuri laughed nervously, "Good morning, Viktor."

Viktor hummed and closed his eyes contentedly, "Hm, good morning, Yuuri."

Seconds passed in silence, until Viktor started awake, eyes wide open in surprise. " _Yuuri!_ "

Yuuri laughed and decided to tease the older man a little, smirking, "You looked comfortable."

Viktor groaned. "You don't even know what I had to go through for weeks, Yuuri."

Yuuri's gaze softened and he sighed, "I'm sorry..."

Viktor shook his head frantically, "Oh, it's fine! It really is!"

Looking down, Yuuri bit his lip, "I worried everyone constantly, didn't I?"

Viktor held onto his shoulder, eyes determined, "And you will continue to do so, and we won't mind. Because we care, Yuuri," he added, "We really do."

Yuuri's eyes welled up as he threw his arms around the silver haired man's shoulder, "Thank you."

Viktor just smiled and stroked his hair.

"Have you thought of what I said?"

Yuuri grinned mischievously and feigned ignorance, "Oh, I don't know. What did you say?"

Viktor pulled back from the hug, gasping, "Yuuri!"

"Kidding!" Yuuri laughed, then smiled at him softly, "I have."

Viktor sucked in a deep breath, face vulnerable, "I—"

" _I love you too_."

Viktor's head whipped up in shock and Yuuri smiled at him lovingly, "I love you, Viktor Nikiforov."

Viktor reached out for his hands, hesitant and unsure, clutching, "Do.. do you really mean it?"

"It's always been you," Yuuri nodded resolutely, "Only _you_."

Viktor's eyes teared up, "Oh god. If-If I had just confessed sooner, you wouldn't have—"

Yuuri cupped his cheeks, eyes stern and scolding, "You didn't know any better. What about me? I could've confessed all this time," he added softly, "But, did I?"

Viktor gasped, "Right! Why didn't you?"

Now, the oversized man-child was pouting. Yuuri laughed and ruffled his hair playfully, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, until Viktor spoke up, "Hey, Yuuri?"

"Hm?"

"Do we... I don't know, know each other before all of this?"

Yuuri smiled at him, amused, "I know you—"

"No," Viktor cut him off, biting his lip, "Mama Katsuki said something about—"

The door opened abruptly, filling the room with mumbling.

"Mari, where're the onigiris?"

"I have it, Mom."

"Where do I put these, Hiroko?"

"Oh, Phichit dear, could you place them on the table real quick? We have to feed Vicchan before he dies out of starvation."

"What did you bring, Mom?" Yuuri blurted out.

All eyes turned to them, all gaping in surprise. "Yuuri!"

Before he knew it, he was engulfed in a frenzied tangle of arms. He wheezed as his mother hugged him tightly, "Yuu-chan! My son is back!"

"You had us worried right there, little brother!" Mari reprimandingly said.

"Yuuri!" Phichit sobbed, rubbing his cheek over Yuuri's, "Yuuri!"

Chris laughed within the tangle of limbs, "Mon ami, glad to see you're conscious!"

Despite almost dying, wheezing for air, Yuuri laughed. "I'm sorry for worrying you all!"

They all crowded him on the bed, laughter echoing through the room. "How's Celestino, Phichit? Your FS?" Phichit waved him off, "Eh, so-so. That reminds me! Ciao Ciao said to call him as soon as you're conscious! Be right back!"

"Yuuri, Minako's on her way to Detroit," Yuuri visibly stiffened at his father's words, "She said you better get prepared for the beating of your life."

Yuuri could only laugh nervously.

Viktor smiled, leaning against the door, Yuri by his side. "You okay, old man?"

Viktor smiled at him and nodded, "I've never been better, Yurotchka."

Yuri grinned snarkily, "Good, because you promised to introduce me. You better fucking follow through."

Of course.

  
"—And, _and_! Vicchan just started falling over on the ice, whining and pouting like a child!" Hiroko cooed, giggling. Viktor felt his cheeks burst aflame as Yuuri laughed, "Mama Katsuki, why..?"

"Oh come on, Viktor! It's adorable!" Yuuri replied cheekily, as Yuri, or _Yurio_ , fondly nicknamed by Yuuri himself (Yuri looked too starstruck too care), sniggered, "Four years older and he falls on his ass. Nice going, old man."

Viktor scoffed, pouting with his arms crossed over his chest, "It's not like I have skating experience like you and Yura, Yurotchka!"

In the past twenty minutes, Viktor has managed to give Yuuri a pet name. _He moves fast_ , Phichit thinks to himself.

 _Bet he calls Yuuri that in his head all this time_ , he giggles to himself.

"What are you laughing about, P?" Phichit glanced up only to see everyone giving him a weird look. "I-I was just.." he faltered slightly, "Laughing at this silly text Ciao Ciao sent me, is all! He says he'll visit you tomorrow morning, by the way."

Yuuri nodded, grinning, "Thanks, Phichit."

 _Phew_ , Phichit sighed, _Crisis averted._

"When am I getting discharged anyway?" Yuuri asked, curious. "I'm guessing around next week. The stitches still need to heal up, after all. And you need rest, honey," Hiroko answered, smiling softly.

"Speaking of rest, why don't we get out of your face and let you rest up?" Chris suggested, "Viktor can stay with you. Right, Viktor?"

Viktor glanced up, "Oh, I could—"

Hiroko hastily disagreed, "Oh, no! Vicchan needs his rest too! He hasn't slept in a bed in weeks!"

Viktor placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, "It's okay, Mama Katsuki. I'll be fine— I'm used to it!"

Hiroko sighed, smiling and patting Viktor on the cheek, "If you insist, Vicchan. Please look after him, okay?"

Smiling his heart-shaped smile, Viktor nodded enthusiastically, "I will, Mama Katsuki!"

  
As soon as everyone cleared the room, the two fell into comfortable silence.

Yuuri leaned back over the headboard of his bed, sighing wistfully, "Who would've thought we'd meet like this again?"

Viktor chuckled, "After all those years... No wonder I was drawn to this city in the first place."

Yuuri sat up properly, eyebrows furrowed, "Now that you mention it, you haven't told me why you chose Detroit."

"Why I went to Detroit?" Viktor hummed thoughtfully, "To be honest, I didn't know at first too. But now that Mama Katsuki jogged up our memory..."

He smiled, "I'm not so uncertain anymore."

"Yuuri," he started, lacing their fingers together, entwining them in a lock, "I think that Mama and Papa brought me here because they were drawn to this place. And I was, too. And I will be eternally grateful for them bringing me here on that fateful day years ago, because if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have met my _Life_ and _Love_."

"I could search the entire world, and I wouldn't find anybody that would come close to you," Yuuri smiled wide, and brought Viktor's knuckles to his lips, kissing them softly, "I love you, Viktor."

"And I love you too, _lyubov moya_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> —additional shit: Vitya's parents brought him to Detroit one day (he got his love of traveling from his parents) and met wee little yuuri when he got lost chasing after a cute poodle (after which he decided to get one as soon as he gets home to St. Petersburg, thus getting Makkachin!— y'all may question, which 12 yr old would get lost chasing after a poodle *whispers* that would be me). They end up bonding and becoming close friends. Shortly after a month of getting back from Detroit, Vitya's parents died so he never did get to think about the little friend he made back in Detroit. 'Til they met again, that is. 
> 
> Ahhh, I can't believe this fic is done! *screeches into the oblivion* 
> 
> Thank you for everyone who took the time to read my crap AHA love you all!! <3 Writing this has been such an amazing journey (especially the times I just can't seem to get motivated to write, but end up writing something last minute just when I'm about to get some shut-eye), and I'm glad you've all been here with me! Thank you for the continuous support! 
> 
> 'Til we meet again, guys! xoxo


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